This year has been hard.
Despite so many incredible blessings and amidst gorgeous dreams realized including a beautiful wedding, my inner world has felt in major turmoil.
Hitting major external milestones and magical highs left more emptiness and fear than joy in my heart.
As my husband often tells me, getting what you really want can be as challenging as not getting it.
Everything I had valued as dear and, that I identified with as giving me a personal sense of value up to now, has come under scrutiny and left me deeply anxious and uncomfortable.
These include getting married (major life milestone checked), living in a healthier body than I have in years, living in a city and a new home that contribute to me and doing work that I know changes people lives.
And yet deep inside, I felt empty and wondering, `now what`? And how the hell did I get here?
Without the status of wife, without a geographic location that makes me feel like I have made it, and without being a healer, then who am I?
The more I have leaned into external crutches to help, the emptier and less satisfied I have felt.
And the deeper question has been what truly brings me joy?
Who am I without all the external objects and forms of validation that I have so neatly and carefully constructed to tell the world I have value? That I matter? That I belong and that I have things relatively together?
My astrologer has called this year a mid-life crisis.
My husband calls it my edge of awakening (it´s all perspective, right?)
Wrapping up my 5 week vacation here in Brazil where I have had time for instrospection and being in the uncomfortable silence of the unknown has been humbling.
The pain of asking deeper questions of who am I? How can I contribute and how do I value myself? have opened some dark thoughts, dark nights of the soul and lots of self-pity and self-judgment.
Why would a healthy woman, recently married, living in a city she adores and doing work she loves feel so miserable?
The answer as best as I can answer it for you now is that the lies, illusions and old habits of scarcity thinking, of devaluing myself and of basing my value on external labels had to die.
I have a feeling that you too might be going through a rebirth process.
If you are, I want you to know that you are not alone.
The honest truth is that while I love my work, the way I have have been doing it hasn´t been exciting or fulfilling any more. And I have heard this a LOT from my clients lately.
It´s an energetic operating system upgrade of sorts that is happening.
That something beautiful is being birthed within you and that within all the darkness, the unknown and the terrifying moments of too much emotion, there is your light that never dims.
The unknown can be your friend if you let it.
The emotions that terrify you are your guide leading you to your safe haven if you let it.
And that safe haven is beautiful, potent and all-knowing and it never abandons you.
It is your Divine essence, your soul, your most precious essence that is always there, always guiding you and that connects you to and that is an extension of the Universe.
As my former coach used to always tell me: What is in the way is the way.
Stripping away everything that doesn´t serve, while humbling, is also deeply freeing.
It creates the necessary space for you to open up to new possibilities, to stop being busy in favour of being ALL of you.
It creates the space for you to contribute with a greater sense of purpose, meaning and soul alignment.
No more short cuts.
No more emulating what others are doing or what you think will work or what kind of worked before.
Soul alignment and deeper leadership now asks you to cut out the bullshit and the lies.
To stop denying your greatness, to stop hiding behind external entrapments and to listen much more closely and more deeply.
To stop trying to figure anything out and to BE amidst way more questions than answers.
It´s about LESS. Less busy-ness, less strategy and a whole lot more HEART and BEING.
This shit is simple. It´s not easy.
It creates the breakdown of old and familiar habits and ways of being that perpetuate your suffering and that dim your light.
The old you needs to go. It´s job is done.
The new you is emerging so you can shine your light, spread your brilliance and live in an energetic knowing that this is an abundant Universe.
The key is a willingness to know that you aren´t alone, crazy and to let go of what is familiar for what is certain: your Divine essence.
I am far from feeling like I am on the other side of this magical cyclone of transformation.
I know that going through a shift cycle can feel scary because you may lack context. The impetus to hire someone to ease the pain, to try an old tried-and-true strategy (been there, done that, didn´t work) will rise.
Get the support you need and be honest with yourself about distractions from the real inner work.
Your brain will drive you nuts trying to find a way to ease the pain.
The way through is INWARD.
For me, that´s been finally stepping into stillness so I can listen to what my inner knowing and inner guidance system wants to tell me.
It´s scary when what you hear doesn´t provide the quick outer fix you desire, but is the soul medicine for lasting joy you have been asking for.
If you are going through a change where what once gave you the predictable highs, no longer works, I want you to know that you are on a beautiful path of soul transformation; perhaps even an awakening of sorts.
What I have found helpful during this time has been:
- Context & support: Knowing that I am experiencing a change cycle and that this is a blessing for my life has helped enormously. I did this by spending time in my own Akashic Records and having them read by a friend as well as my dear colleague and astrologer Teresa Campos who gave me the energetic context I needed to surrender and to, albeit reluctantly, allow the new process to emerge.
- Go within: The way through is likely inward and you are being asked to BE more, LISTEN more and to do less. Actions taken will be uncomfortable, will breakdown the walls of what you have known in order to build new, sustainable and fulfilling ways of living and being and contributing. Start slowly and get support to practice stillness and meditation.
Following your path will feel scary as hell. If it´s aligned for you, step back from external distractions, unsubscribe from so many newsletters, get off or diminish your time from social media so you can listen to YOUR VOICE, do things YOUR WAY, and LEAD BY BEING YOU.
- Trust: The process may take a little while. This doesn´t mean life will end. It might as you know it, but a new pathway is being born. Give it time, be kind and be gentle and LISTEN.
- You know: When the way you have done things have stopped working as predictably, ask yourself: `what do I know to be true right now`? While you may not like what your intuition is telling you, you ALWAYS KNOW. You are never left not knowing. So the key is to TRUST WHAT YOU KNOW, and to PRACTICE NEW WAYS OF BEING.
It´s not complicated. It´s not always easy as you become a new version of you.
In this process, it´s perfectly ok to question EVERYTHING.
It´s perfectly ok to breakdown, fall down, etc… and to be with everything knowing that this too will pass.
Let go of agendas.
Release the timeline.
And it´s ok if it´s royally messy. Embrace it all.
I have seen glimpses of hope and felt lightness amidst the darkness.
And the light is always there for you too.
Whatever new emerges will for you, as for me, be much more joyful and aligned, be a lot more HONEST AND TRUE, and in turn a win-win contribution to you and the world.
Sacrificing ourselves for the greater good isn´t sustainable.
Living in a bubble doesn´t work, especially when we are being invited to grow and expand.
I have also become acutely aware of how much the grip of fear has held me back on any given day of advocating for me, my desires and my voice. So my new motto when I realize I am afraid is: `If I am afraid, then I must` . It´s a call to being brave in baby steps. When I catch myself and take action, so much opens up. I just remind myself, `what´s the worse that can happen here?´
The Universe is always expanding and so are you.
It´s ok to change everything.
It´s ok to be brave and to say what´s really on your mind.
It´s ok to let it all go and to feel like you know nothing and yet you are safely seeded by Divine grace and possibility.
Truth. Possibility, Lightness and Joy are Universally available to you and I – always.
So amidst the messiness, I invite you to stay true to you.
No one has it all together.
You can be more of yourself, honest, true, out-spoken and brave. It´s not always easy but really worth it.
Amidst tough conversations, scary nights of the soul, deep-seated fears of loss and stagnation, have slowly emerged glimpses of light and hope.
You get to be your own best advocate and to co-create with a Divine force that´s infinitely wise and intelligent.