Today I’m sharing my money story with you.
I believe there is strength in normalizing our money journeys and the growth it affords us to embrace more self-worth, self-love and self-compassion for ourselves.
Here are five main patterns that have emerged from my money journey and the lessons they’ve uncovered for me.
1. Co-dependency:
I’ve been emotionally and financially dependent my entire life. I’ve sought love and approval from others by people pleasing, keeping quiet and subjugating myself for external validation and security. It wasn’t always a bad choice but underneath this pattern was both an abdication of my power and of personal responsibility for myself.
The Shift: I had to be willing to look at where I didn’t believe I was truly capable of making my own money and my fear of what that would do the dynamic in my marriage, I also had to be willing to look at my relationship to power and to acquaint myself with what being a sovereign powerful woman would feel like for me.
There’s SO much freedom on the other side of co-dependency However, it requires taking a really long, hard, compassionate look at where we feel incapable or not ready to take on life and the world ourselves.
2. Money is Love: my core pattern
When I looked back at my childhood, I noticed that a main thread was that I equated money with love, especially my father’s love.
So in my relationships, and my expectation in romantic relationships was that men would provide for me.
“If you love me, you’ll show me your love with money, especially sacrificial money where it’s hard to earn.”
This is ironic, given that I was brought up to also be fully independent, self-sufficient and to never depend on anyone (especially men) for my survival. Goes to show you that familial and cultural messages can directly contradict themselves.
This also played out with my personal spending habits. When I felt bad, I would spend money to “love on myself” and to feel better. I “deserved it” after all. I didn’t feel the same way about saving because it felt like deprivation, not love.
The shift: Money is a tool and a resource and I get to give myself love and to receive love regardless of how much someone sacrifices themselves for me. In my marriage, I had to be willing to look at what a healthy dynamic would look like around money and love and started having honest conversations with my husband about my realization and my fears of what would transpire when I out-earned him. To my delight, he can’t wait for me to out-earn him and for him to have less of the financial burden in our household.
3. Chronic under-earning + money shame:
Our subconscious minds are brilliant, because despite my certifications, my ambition, my work ethic, my level of expertise and my love of my work, I have been stuck at the same income ceiling for twelve full years.
I didn’t actually realize this until a few years ago when I started working with a bookkeeper and noticed that I kept hovering around the same income level each year. I’m finally addressing this from a past life angle because so many people have told me I didn’t have money blocks around this and I just don’t believe them.
I suspect this has to do with my feeling unsafe being seen on a larger scale and being seen as a wealthy women more publicly. It’s been incredibly frustrating to stay here despite so much healing and energetic work AND I know this has been a great lesson in prioritizing a way of working that’s healthy, honouring my nervous system and expanding my capacity to receive more.
The shift: Instead of shaming myself for this, I’ve learned to embrace the opportunity this phenomenon has offered me. I’ve tackled this from different angles and I’ve began educating myself on money healing, money practices and I’m even having fun doing money mapping for our next 5 years and for our household. I’m taking back the reins of my money shame and choosing empowerment instead.
4. Self-worth and net worth: the destructive combination + the hustle for approval
I’m guilty of equating the money in the bank with my self-worth.
It reminds me of the years I dieted and on the days I had lost weight I’d feel good and on the days I’d gained or plateaued, I felt like a failure.
External validation of my self-worth has been a race I’ve endlessly ran and never won. It led to endless hustling, perfectionism, over-working, hiding and chronic imposter syndrome.
So I’ve gone deep into what makes me feel so small, so unworthy and ashamed around my income.
Being a chronic under-earner has had a deep impact on my self-esteem because if I didn’t feel successful, then I doubted anyone could see me in any other way. It didn’t matter how many other things I’d achieved in my life since so much of who people perceive us as, especially in business, is around the money we make – especially in the coaching industry.
It didn’t matter that I’ve worked with highly successful people who never asked me how much money I made, Or that the people who really loved and celebrated me saw my brilliance.
The shift: I had to be willing to see my value from inside out and to self-validate. I had to give to myself what I hoped to get from others and to feel Divinely affluent, abundant and joyful NOW and for myself. This process has unlocked an enormous amount of personal freedom. There’s still shame there, trust me, and with each day that I self-validate, that I tap into my Divine worthiness and sense of enoughness, the less I care or need external validation.
5. Waiting for Prince Charming to rescue me
Up until last year, I wasn’t willing to really look at money in the eyeballs and to face my fears around it.
I still secretly hoped that someone, some windfall or my business would magically save me from myself so I wouldn’t have to do the actual inner and outer work to become sovereign and financially independent.
But then, between health scares, the prospect of turning 50 next year and having new dreams I want to actualize, I knew it was time to stop abdicating my power and responsibility away and to let my fears turn into power.
So I started patiently educating myself and being willing to build an actual relationship with money.
I’ve been reading books, doing deep work around my money beliefs and to start new practices such as having monthly money dates with myself, doing money mapping, retirement planning and also making shifts in my business so I build an even more cohesive and solid foundation for a company that I believe truly will change thousands of lives.
There’s been grief, anger, shame, guilt, fear, disappointment, frustration and surprisingly joy and lightness too with each baby step taken.
I had to face my biggest fears:
– Fear of responsibility and it being too much for me to handle
– Fear of my marriage dynamic going bad if I’m no longer in a co-dependent role
– Fear of my power
– Fear of being irresponsible with my money and spending it faster than I made it.
-Fear of being shunned and judged for being a wealthy bitch.
There’s more I could share about this but at its core, I had to be willing to take my power back and stop waiting to be saved by an outside force.
The shift: I decided to face my fears head on and to do the inner work to claim my power and in so doing, set myself free and expand into exciting new edges and possibilities I never could have alone. It’s the right time for this and with each passing day I feel stronger and more powerful. There’s plenty more to go but making the decision to face myself was the pivotal shift to looking at the more uncomfortable habits, beliefs and patterns I had around money.
I share this with you so that you don’t feel alone. We all have money stuff and money shame. It just doesn’t have to paralyze you or stop you from living your best life or making the money you desire.
Money is a fabulous teacher and you are capable of building a relationship with it that supports you, your nervous system and your desires.
Baby steps.
What money patterns have you uncovered for yourself?
To your sweet success,
-Priscilla
P.S.: The Divine Money Power Series starts June 14th. You can sign up for the 3-part series here or one session here.
P.P.S: You also have the option to sign up for a private 45 minute Money Soul Mapping Session in the Akashic Records as a stand alone or add-on to the Divine Money Power Series. You can sign up for that here.
